187 How to Not Be An A**hole To Your Partner When Things Don’t Go As Planned (or, How to Not Make Things Worse)

We all make plans, and sometimes, those plans get completely up-ended by what actually ends up happening, because Life. When things like that pop up, what do you do? What should we do? How should we handle it? In this episode, we discuss the tough emotions and the harried thoughts that come with the very unexpected, and How To Not Be An A**hole To Your Partner when they do.

Here’s a bullet point list of the things we cover.

  • Micro vs. Huge Inconveniences

  • The Moment of Discovery

    • is the moment for deep breathing

    • and the moment of making this mind shift: you’re not the boss anymore

  • Take care of immediate logistics

  • Cancel or re-schedule previous plans

  • The narrow middle way between the extremes of suppressing/stuffing down feelings (fuming internally and pouting, or going numb) on one end, and on the other, giving yourself over completely to be engulfed by your feelings (throwing a tantrum in the grocery aisle). Try to choose the middle way.

Below is a body awareness and mindfulness practice taught by meditation teacher Sebene Selassie, that may help you handle emotions in a healthy, middle way.

Observe the emotion as sensation in your body. (Eg: It feels like a weight on my chest. Or, my stomach feels icy and hollow.)

Tell yourself:

I feel [stress].

This is what [stress] feels like,

This is what [stress] looks like.

[Stress] is a part of life.

Everyone feels [stress].

May I be peaceful, may I find peace.

  • Catastrophize in the opposite. Remember: it could be worse. And it’s not. So you have something to be grateful for.

  • Strive for kindness towards others who are involved. Hint: your partner.

  • Be solutions-oriented, instead of blaming, accusing, and making a tough situation worse.

  • Don’t be a hero. It’s okay to take the route of lessening your energy output. For example maybe it’s really okay to cancel or postpone an appointment instead of soldiering on. This all depends on things like knowing your capacity and motivations, weighing the consequences either way, and using your intuition. There are innumerable factors involved which is why Life can sometimes feel complicated and overwhelming. And it’s why we believe Life is more like art, less like science. More about beauty, less about proving or disproving a hypothesis.

Siena & Toast