186 Relationship Advice From a Lesbian Couple With 22 Years Together and Counting
We’ve been together as a couple for 22-years and counting.
Toast & Siena
In this episode, we share about a time early on in our relationship, when we were fighting, like, a lot!
And we also share the things that helped us to break out of that pattern, and to move towards growing in mutual understanding and peace.
Below are notes, including links, to things we touch on in this episode.
Fighting For (not about)
There’s a concept by couples therapy researcher Howard Markman, articulated by famous psychotherapist Esther Perel, and it’s this: when couples fight, it’s usually not what they’re fighting about that’s important, but instead what each person is fighting for. And, as this article on Perel’s blog explains, the three categories of things that people generally fight for, are:
Power and Control
Care and Closeness
Respect and Recognition
Bids for Connection
Siena shares about the idea of “bids for connection,” from The Gottman Institute.
Growing Apart or Witnessing and Affirming Each Other’s Changes
We refer to the recent movie FOE (2023) as an exploration couples who grow apart or together over time.
Reason For Infidelity
We discuss the main reason infidelity happens, which is related to that idea of ‘growing apart’ above.
Conversation Starters
And finally, here’s a link to the “card game” we mention, by Esther Perel, call Where Shall We Begin? (affiliate link)
Here’s a pic taken when we were first able to register as “domestic partners,” in the time before the United States affirmed equal rights for LGBTQ people and marriage equality.