171 The Problem with Pronouns: Misgendered Adventures

The confusion with pronouns and misgendering has been around a long time.

Like, for decades.

It’s just that we as a society never talked about it, in public conversation.

In this episode, we share some funny stories about being misgendered over the years, and also relate some advice and perspectives about how to broach the issue when meeting new people.

Here’s a bullet point list of the stuff we hit on in this ep.

  • OSL: Old School Lesbians (Siena came up with this one)

  • Toast shares stories of being misgendered: at the airport, at the smog check, at the grocery store
.

  • And Siena’s perspective and feelings about these incidents, too.

  • Concern for the feelings of the person who did the misgendering being the reason for discomfort
if/when that person realizes they used the wrong pronoun.

  • The story of Siena’s friend (an OSL who was an umpire for the Olympics, which shows the mighty strength of their OSL cred) who was washing her hands in a woman’s restroom when an older lady started yelling at her “Hey boy, get out of here! You’re in the wrong bathroom!” Siena’s friend tried to ignore the lady at first, but then eventually replied, “I’m not a boy.” The lady paused, then said, “Oh, I’m sorry, excuse me. Sir, you’re in the wrong bathroom!”

  • Our generation – Generation X (born approx. late-1960s through early-1980s) – grew up in a time when culture wasn’t so centered on the individual, and the individual’s particular self-identity, and the individual’s personal preferences. So ‘being misgendered’ wasn’t felt as such a slight against the individual. It was just seen as a simple mistake.

  • Email signatures and name tags include pronouns now.

  • Why are pronouns listed as he/him or she/her instead of just “he” or “she”?

    • Here’s the reason NPR gives (which we didn’t cover in the episode, but here you go): The different iterations reflect that pronouns change based on how they're used in a sentence. And the "he/him" format is actually shorter than the previously common "he/him/his" format. "People used to say all three and then it got down to two," Heng-Lehtinen laughs. He says staff at his organization was recently wondering if the custom will eventually shorten to just one pronoun. "There's no real rule about it. It's absolutely just been habit," he says.

  • What’s up with the person who lists pronouns such as “she/her/they” ? Perhaps they’re someone who might know they prefer “they/them,” but also knows that others might feel more comfortable and natural using “she/her.” And so they want to let others know they’re cool with that, too.

  • Ways to ask a person for their pronouns:

    • Just ask “What pronouns do you go by?” “What pronouns do you prefer?”

    • A softer, gentler way, which simply creates an opening for the other person to volunteer their pronouns, if they’d like: “My name is _____, and my pronouns are _____.”

  • “Intentional refusal to use someone’s correct pronouns is equivalent to harassment and a violation of one’s civil rights.” – Gender Pronouns & Their Use in Workplace Communications, National Institutes of Health

It all just comes down to basic human respect.

Siena & Toast