168 Top 10 Things We've Learned In Our 22-Year Lesbian Relationship, Pt. 3 (#s 2, 1, bonus)
This is the third and final episode in this series about the Top 10 Things We’ve Learned In Our 22-Year Lesbian Relationship.
The first episode covered numbers 10, 9, 8, and 7.
The second episode covered number 6, 5, 4, and 3.
And here we are with numbers 2 and 1.
And a bonus!
2. Learn about attachment theory and think in terms of your attachment styles
The book we mention in the episode is: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller.
The four attachments styles in attachment theory are:
Secure
Anxious
Avoidant
Disorganized
Learning about attachment theory has helped us to understand ourselves and each other more, in a way that feels less personal, and so, less charged.
1. We enter into intimate relationships as part of our spiritual evolution, to help heal wounds sustained in our individual lives or even ancestral lines
That’s what we believe, anyway.
Very often, people choose intimate partners who have personalities, behavior patterns, or general attitudes and habits similar to those of the primary caregiver who wounded them in formative years: when they were infants, toddlers, or very young children.
Think of the romantic partners you’ve had. Think of a friend who’s had multiple relationships over the years. Is there a certain type of person they get into relationships with?
If yes (and we bet the answer is yes), that’s what we’re talking about.
Along with all the other lessons, remembering this phenomenon has really helped put the struggley part of our relationship into perspective. And helped us continue working on our relationship and ourselves, instead of just cutting ties and going off to try and “find someone better.”
A quick note: we mention another episode in this section. Here’s the link to the one called “Everyone Is Doing Their Best...Really?”
BONUS!
On finances and general health
WARNING: these topics are hot and can cause burns.
It’s been super duper helpful for us to treat finances and health with consistent attention and effort.
It has not been easy.
But we feel the consistent attention and effort over the years has helped!
And when finances and health are improving – and by that we don’t mean “getting richer” or “getting healthier,” we mean getting your grown-up attention onto them, as a couple (in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer) – it helps everything in your relationship.
We try to have a scheduled time every week-ish, to go over and talk about specific things when it comes to large decisions, or even smaller ones, and the topics are often related to finances and health. Budget, doctor’s appointments, etc.