As recording for this topic really got going, we realized The Content was getting a bit long.

So we turned it into a series.

This is part one.

Here’s the start to…

The Top 10 Things We’ve Learned In Our 22-Year Lesbian Relationship

It’s a countdown. So we’ll start with no. ten. Here we go.

10. Choose your battles

And choose your times. If you’re going to bring something up, what’s a good time?

Just because a thing irritates you about your partner doesn’t mean it’s a hill you have to die on. It doesn’t mean you have to correct or re-train or reform that bad habit or tendency in them. Problems, annoyances; they’re all relative.

Loving each other means making allowances, showing some grace, and loving them even though they leave socks on the floor. Sometimes. There are only socks on the floor sometimes.

9. Accept responsibility for your feelings.

People don’t make you feel things. They do have influence on how you feel, though.

Let’s try to take responsibility both for how we feel when our partner does or says certain things, AND, let’s also take responsibility for the words, actions, tone of voice, and body language we use…which influences how our partner feels.

8. Not every issue needs to turn into a psychotherapy session.

A showcase for our lesbian credibility appears in this episode right here with Lesson #8. It’s a casual reference to the Indigo Girls song “Least Complicated” - ‘you just stick the right formula in, a solution for every fool; the hardest to learn was the least complicated.’ There’s even another IG song we didn’t mention that also applies, which is “Closer to Fine” - ‘the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.’ And if there was still any doubt, we toss in Sarah McLachlan’s “Building A Mystery.” It’s The Lesbian ‘90s. Remember Lilith Fair. ?

7. Learn how to fight.

Become a good fighter.

Rule #1 of Fight Club: Arguments are not for “winning.”

They’re not about proving your own self right. Arguments are for learning, understanding, and listening.

Rule #2: Fights are not necessarily even for the purpose of fixing or solving a problem.

Or, perhaps put more accurately: many times, the problem that needs solving first is the problem of not feeling understood, supported, or validated about one’s feelings.

Only after having that sense of being safe and supported can humans feel stable and well-regulated, emotionally and mentally. Once we are regulated, only then are we biologically capable of being reasonable.

Rule #3: If you must win, get yourself a good definition of “winning.”

Winning can mean “We had a genuine good faith exchange of ideas and perspectives and we’re addressing the issue together in a way that’s elegant, graceful, and smooth.”

And…FYI…here’s the link to the other ep we mention towards the beginning, where we talk about how we met, etc. –– 130 Back After A Year’s Hiatus: A Brief Intro to Who We Are & Why We Took a Year Off.

166 Top 10 Things We've Learned In Our 22-Year Lesbian Relationship, Pt. 1 (#s 10, 9, 8, 7)